My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
