Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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