Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
