you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
