I bet he comes in French.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Two words: blizzard sex
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
