her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
