THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
