Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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