Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
