ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize