??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
