I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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