i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
