I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
