see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
