I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
