but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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