I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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