checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
