Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Did I show you my penis last night?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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