My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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