You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
