I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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