That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
