Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
