i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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