eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i think we sleep fucked last night...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
