i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
