Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
