the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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