somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
