I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
