how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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