Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
