sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just high enough for therapy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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