He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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