cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
