Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
