Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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