New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
