sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
