I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
