Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize