Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize