i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
