i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
