My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
