i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
