Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize