you traded sex for a burrito?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
