I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize