LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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