So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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