currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
