I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
