when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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