Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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