just come out here and I will go home with you...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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