FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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